Friday, 2 September 2011

It's Not Called Shagaluf For Nothing! [Geordie Shore: Magaluf Madness] |Barbievision

When we left our little Geordie bastards back in Newcastle there wasn’t a whole lotta love in the house. The power of the parsnip clearly wasn’t permanent, Jay realised it wasn’t appropriate to be with a girl with a deeper voice than him and James spent more time talking about shagging than actually tashin’ on. Fast forward two months and nothing much has changed… except Holly’s hair AND the scenery cause we’re in MAGA-FUCKING-LUF Wasps! Yes, MTV has shipped the shaggers off to the land of the free shots and filthy birds. Welcome to Magaluf Madness.

Anyway, back to Holly’s hair. “When you split up with someone you always get new hair, don’t ya?” says Holly. When I split up with Ken I got a hot surfer boy called Blaine, but each to their own. Girl is lookin’ fine in a stripper-meets-chubby-little- mermaid sorta way. Or as Charlotte put it, “She’s just like this big cherry tomato in me face… and it looks really good!”

Either way Holly’s getting more girl action than James and Greg put together, turning into a red headed lesbian for the duration of the holiday. From tonguing a random nottie at a wet t-shirt contest, to stealing the boys’ ladies on their last night, girlfriend got it goin’ on! As for James, he just can’t make up his mind whether he’s after filthy birds, classy girls or just plain slags. So he ends up with no-one… after claiming the main reason you go on holiday is to bang. Looks like it’s just you and your hand tonight Jamesy!

In another attempted change of image, Sophie decides she’ll go from Slag of the Year to Virgin of the Week… and lasts an entire day before utilising her “good looking vagina”.

Props for that show of self-control Soph! It’s almost as good as Volcano Vicky holding back her lava… until she erupts in the “diary room” of course. Then it’s all fucking this, wanker that and dirty mobility scooters.

DEFINITION OF A MOBILITY SCOOTER: Good to ride but generally you don’t want anyone to see you in public with them. Sounds exactly like my last three conquests… a doll has needs!

The star of the show, as usual, had to be Charlotte. Girlie is fucking hilarious! Never before have I seen a doll deal with unrequited love in such an unconsciously funny manner… denial is no longer just a river in Egypt, Char ;-) From trying to convince herself that she hates Gary (“I think he is skinny and ugly and resembles a rat”) to claiming she’ll never sleep with him again (“As from now on this bank account is shut down”) Barb has some seriously hysterical chat.

Inside the Mind of Charlotte Chatting up a tattoo-less man: “You’re a blank canvas.” On Gary’s three and a half hour sex sessions: “I’m just dying for him to come, it gets boring as fuck after a while!” On her lady garden: “Nobody warned me to shave my fairy cause I’d be pullin’ Gary tonight!” On Magaluf: “I can’t wait to get back to Newcastle and be able to backcomb me hair again!”

So what will happen when our playas do get back to Geordie Land? Will James finally get some fanny? Will Charlotte go into her overdraft? With Gary admitting that he “actually kinda is starting to like her”, this could be the start of something bee- yoo-tiful… Geordie Shore: The Wedding anyone?

‘Til next time Wasps… watch out for them cheeky forks!

Love Barbie x


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