I was going to record a little video for this post and take a cue from Sam Scott Schiavo's boys on film... just portis, wearing a trilby and nothing else, blowing smoke into the camera lens, maybe dribble a little whiskey onto my hairy chest and answer a few questions from my celebrity friends in French. But it wasn't meant to be. After several attempts at answering questions on film I discovered I have a terrible habit of looking like a fool, talking too much, dribbling when I shouldn't be and the swearing.... shit.... I do that A LOT. So not cool. So I'm restricting myself to a thank you video after I've posted everyone's questions for me. That's another thing of course, you'll see below I use words like they're going out of fashion so instead of posting in full tonight (and killing you all with my crap banter) I'll be posting some new questions from my famous friends every night this week.
Why did you decide to ask us to ask you a question? Do you have any little and untellable secrets to be revealed?
"I would love to say it was because I wanted to shine the spotlight on myself for a little bit but that’s not the reason, no. That’s just a bonus! Portis Wasp just wanted to appear as game as all you guys are when you answer questions for me because I have some right crackers up my sleeve for the next set of Group Fun posts and if I openly embarrass myself in public here then hopefully you’ll all continue to follow suit! I hope my plan works. I really do."
Do you believe in anything "supernatural"?
"If you’re asking have I ever had sex with a ghost then YES I HAVE! Not really but I do believe in the supernatural and I’ll tell you why I very ‘nearly’ had sex with a ghost.
I love the random conversations you can have on Twitter with complete strangers and before twitter and my blog when I was using MySpace regularly I developed a little back n forth with what turned out to be a white witch. I didn’t know this until a few months down the line but we’d send the occasional message to each other, talk about music, films, shit like that. And then one day the topic came up of whether I’d ever had sex with someone whose physical body wasn’t in the same room as me at the time? I was like, “WTF! YOU’RE FUNNY!!” And the white witch was like, “NO REALLY. IF YOU WANT I CAN DO A SPELL TONIGHT AND I CAN COME VISIT YOU IN YOUR ROOM?” Of course I was skeptical and a little weirded out but I was like ‘alright, sure, whatever’ and then kind of forgot about the conversation. No one visited my room that night by the way. But a couple days later I woke in the middle of the night, I’m convinced I was awake, and scanned my bedroom for what had woken me up – I’m a heavy sleeper so this doesn’t happen often! It was only when I turned to my right that a large shadow of a person suddenly came into view and reached for me!!! I kind of blacked out for a few seconds and now all I can remember is screaming the house down and not being able to get to sleep for a few hours afterwards, but I’m convinced to this day that it was that white witch trying to sex with me and my screams banished the apparition from my room! I didn’t bother to reconnect on MySpace so I’ll never know for sure but it sure did spook me. Wait a minute, the white witch wasn’t dead so I don’t even think this story counts as a supernatural experience Adam, but I just needed to get it off my chest and into a public forum! Or maybe the white witch did die and its ghost was just trying to have one last bang before it left for somewhere else? I dunno. Have you ever experienced anything similar? I need to feel like I’m being heard here!"
Describe to me your fantasy shoot that YOU would be in... Who would YOU want to shoot you? Style you? What would be the concept and if you were to shoot with other models who would they be? And remember this is a fantasy so the only limits are those of your imagination!!
"Wow! This is a super fun question for me to get my teeth into Christophe as funnily enough I haven’t ever considered my dream editorial. What I do do though when I listen to a song is immediately visualise a music video to go with it so I guess this is just a static version of that. Okay, here we go: My fantasy shoot would be an editorial for V Magazine. I would have Eisuke Negishi shoot the spread and I would set it in a Boutique Hotel. The editorial would be called ‘Mint On Your Pillow’ and would take a look behind the doors of 12 rooms on one floor of the Hotel. The cast would be a mix of models and actors and would play out as follows:
Room 2 – The Starlet: Amber Heard
Room 3 – The Affair: Joe Manganiello & Josh Holloway
Room 4 – The Thief: Crystal Renn
Room 5 – The Spy: Aiden Shaw
Room 6 – The Recently Departed: Freja Beha Erichsen
Room 7 – The Mistress: Jessica Lange
Room 8 – The Til Death Do Us Part: Betty White & Brian Shimansky
Room 9 – The Bachelor Party: Garrett Hedlund, Matt Bomer, Alexander Skarsgard, Kevin Baker, David Agbodji, The Stenmark Twins, Zeb Ringle, Max Rogers, Mark Kanemura, Ryan Gosling, Michael Fassbender, Jamie Bell
Room 10 – The Stripper: Evan Rachel Wood
Room 11 – The Socialite: Elle Fanning
Room 12 – The Junkie: Portis Wasp
I would style the shoot OF COURSE and everyone would wear fierce pieces from Lanvin exclusively– I fear we’d already be going way over budget on this so everyone would be asked to do their own hair and make-up on the day."
You can get an idea of the desired look from Eisuke's imagery below along with the Lanvin SS12 video:
I think I might have to make this editorial HAPPEN!
I'd like to know something about your pop culture choices, so I'm going to challenge you to pick your faves FOR LIFE! That's right only one per category and you have to spend the rest of your life with the choice...
Album for Life
Ugh, these questions are so hard! But maybe, just maybe, Travis - ' The Man Who'. It's a lovely album and one I haven't actually listened to in years but yeah, I just thought of them quite randomly right now so I'm gonna trust my instincts on this one and say 'The Man Who'.
Movie for life
I Know What You Did Last Summer - I was so fond of every actor involved in the project at the time (especially Sarah Michelle Gellar) so you wouldn’t have believed the excitement that filled me when my mother bought the video for me! I could really talk about this film for days! But some of my highlights are Anne Heche playing a crazy hick to the hilt, Jennifer Love Hewitt screaming "What are you waiting for!” in the middle of the road, Sarah giving the fisherman a good run for his money during the parade, Ryan Phillippe’s abs, and old reliable Freddie Prinze Jr. saving the day!
Book for life
I’d cheat and choose my David LaChapelle ‘Heaven To Hell’ Photo Book. It always makes me smile and I could get lost in a hundred and one different fantasies in there, so I wouldn’t get bored any time soon.
Person to stare at for life
I was going to say Matt Bomer because sometimes he looks like a Bush baby and other times he just looks like Matt Bomer so whatever the day he’d keep me entertained, but then I remembered model Freja Beha Erichsen aka ‘the chameleon’ – I’m pretty confident she could look like Matt Bomer, or anyone else for that matter if I asked her to, so for that reason I choose her!
Brand to wear for life
Lanvin – I’ve never owned one piece of Lanvin and yet I know it’s my brand for life (ya know when the money starts rolling in!)
TV series to watch for life
Buffy the Vampire Show – Best. Show. Ever.
Magazine to read for life
Interview Magazine – I always enjoy the interviews and the photographs are consistently amazing!
How did you get started?
"It was all quite innocent to be honest Barrett. I submitted some photographs of mine to a Scottish website in early 2009. They published them and created a little page for me. It was all quite lovely. And then I just decided to start a blog not long after with the plan to share my work there. That didn’t happen because I was quite lazy with my camera and the blog wasn’t about anything in particular because I didn’t quite know what I wanted to post. So it probably took me about six months to begin using my little space on the internet properly. It was only when I decided to approach a couple of Scottish personalities one day for an interview (which they said yes to) that I thought hmm, maybe I’ll cast the net further. I approached a Pornstar called Mitch Branson as I was interested in showing another side to someone who works in Porn, he also said yes to my surprise, and the rest is history. I think if you go far enough back you’ll see that My Portis Wasp says has grown quite a bit. My photoshopping sadly, has not."
What are you most afraid of?
"Myself. I am my own best friend and worst enemy."
Matthew Stephen Herrick
You write about models, actors, musicians etc but what makes a person beautiful to you in your personal life?
"What do I find beautiful in someone, well…. if they can roll out of bed and throw on a pair of beaten up jeans and a tank but still look like a model, act up in public to the point where I’m undecided whether I’d rather kill or be kissing on them, and can play a Hot 100 song of my choosing with only their hands on my belly then I’ll consider this person to be all kinds of beautiful. But they must also be able to make me laugh whenever I demand laughter, be generous and caring and be open to telling me off when I start acting like a douche – which is a lot of the time. Just all the clichéd shit that everyone finds beautiful I guess. You totally want to tell me off now don’t you Matthew?"
Top or Bottom...?
"Oh Lord, I’m going to pretend I don’t know what that means and say neither. I’m an agnostic – and no that doesn’t mean I flip-flop between religions Dimitris! Tsk"
If you could change one thing about your self what would it be?
"I am a very impatient person. I got that from my Father, which is fine I guess, as I managed to side-step his ginger hair but it does feel like a bit of a curse a lot of the time. And it’s certainly a burden for friends and loved ones – insert sowwwwwwy. It’s not hard to throw me into a full-blown huff but it’s not my fault, I was just born that way. I wish people could just manage me better when I am in a huff. I’m a Pisces so if you see our faces tripping us just leave us be, within about ten minutes we’ll be all kinds of ready to be friends again, BUT NO. That’s not acceptable; EVERY ONE HAS TO ASK, “ARE YOU IN A HUFF?” AND THEN YOU FEEL THE HUFF BUILDING YOU START PUFFING, YOU’RE THINKING OF WAYS TO KILL YOUR FRIEND WITH ONLY YOUR EYES AND THEN THEY SAY SOMETHING STUPID LIKE, I HATE YOU WHEN YOU BEHAVE LIKE THIS AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOU COULD EXPLODE… and that’s what I’d change. I’d like to have a little more patience."
List your hot 10 hottest photographers in your opinion. Who do you think they are? ;-)
"Well Christopher.... you’ve put me in a tricky sort of position as I would like to work with a lot of the Photographers I feature on my blog so I’m just going to have to massage some egos and restrict myself to a Top 10 of Photographers who I have interviewed for My Portis Wasp says..."
Sam Scott Schiavo – I’d like to play with his moustache
Giampaolo Sgura – Confident enough to wear socks with sandals, I’m there!
Stewart Shining – He has magical hair, oh and I’d like to go to lunch with Stewart and his pal Alessandra Ambrosio some time
Darren Black – He looks like the type to pull your hair back and spit in your face, which is a good thing, right?
Ryan Barrett - because he’s Ryan Barrett
Damon Baker – It’s all about that walk!
Andrea Vecchiato – Tattoo worship!
Dimitris Theocharis – Hmm… intrigues me.
Alexander Beer – I made the mistake of looking into his husky dog eyes for too long and suddenly I own a collection of leads?!
JD Ferguson – it’s JD! Come on!
I must add that I’ve hardly interviewed female Photographers. Camilla Akrans WILL NOT return my calls! That busy bitch! And I think it’s clear from this list that I have daddy issues. Or maybe I’m just looking to be a kept man? Email me here boys firstname.lastname@example.org – I’m an agnostic incase you’re wondering!
Christopher you placed at number 11. I’m sorry! But we’ll pick this up again in a year from now! I wish you luck in becoming hotter."
Do you have any pets?
"I don’t have any pets. I had a dog when I was a kid called snoopy, a little Yorkshire terrier – he died. Goldfish – they died. Terrapins – they smelt bad so I killed them, only kidding. But they both disappeared one day, my dad said he drove them to a farm and well, I hope that was an agreement made between him and the farm that’s all I’ll say on the matter – I’m sure they’re fine."
What member of your family are you closest to?
"My sister, we’re kind of conjoined. Which is awkward but only one more operation and I can start going on dates! Lol – is that even funny? I’m not sure if I’m all that funny today. But yeah my sister, she’s like the best little sister ever. She’s so much cooler than anyone else’s little sister, that’s for sure."
Have you been close to anyone who has died of AIDS or HIV related illness?
"I haven’t actually, which I suppose is a good thing but yeah, when will it end? A dreadful dreadful thing."
Who is your favorite contemporary artist?
Currently - Akmal Shaukat
What's your dream vacation destination? (Either one you've been to or want to go to)
"A cabin in the woods with friends (one day I’ll have some). But the cabin can’t be anything like the one in Antichrist or the one in Evil Dead. I want a nice experience in the woods with lots of scrabble, wine and partner swapping by candlelight!"
What's your all time favorite dessert? (please name the one that pops into your head FIRST)
"I just thought of a BANANA? Jesus Christ, what does that say about me Stewart???"
What's your drag name (childhood pet for first, name of the street you lived on as a child for last) I think...
"I think your thinking of Porn Star name? And mine would be Snoopy Mount Pleasant – like who wouldn’t want to climb me with a name like that?! Making love to Portis was an awfully ‘pleasant’ experience – that’s what I want on my gravestone. But my drag queen name… I’d probably just change Portis to Portia and now that that’s got me thinking of De Rossi, I’d change that to Di Prossy. Portia di Prossy – now who wouldn’t want to mount that dame?! Fuck me! I’m hot as a boy or a girl!"
What's your favorite line in a movie?
"When you watch as many films as I do it’s hard to pick a ‘favourite’ but here are two that spring to mind at this very moment:
“What are you waiting for!!!!!!” – 'I Know What You Did Last Summer', Jennifer Love Hewitt’s character Julie screams this in the middle of the street after she and her scooby gang find a dead body eaten by crabs in the boot of their car! Her delivery is so fucking awesome! I love that film, it's such a guilty pleasure.
But if you want a proper good quote:
I got such a kick from Suddenly, Last Summer when I watched it at the cinema lately like you wouldn’t believe. Especially any time a character quoted the title of the film…
Mrs Venable - “My son, Sebastian and I constructed our days. Each day we would carve each day like a piece of sculpture, leaving behind us a trail of days like a gallery of sculpture until suddenly, last summer.”
But by god what a deliriously silly ending to a film!"
Who's your favorite character in Eyes of Laura Mars?
"I really need to watch this film again and there are quite a few characters in the film that tickle my fancy but I’m going to have to go with Faye Dunaway’s Laura Mars. If the film wasn’t called Eyes of Laura Mars I would still comment on those crazy eyes of hers. They command attention and for sure Faye Dunaway is one of the most stunning women to have ever graced the big screen! I’m a big fan. And I thank you for this question because I’m going to go order this on DVD now!"
What song gives you a lump in your throat and why?
If you could trade places with anyone you've featured on the blog for a day, who would it be and what mischief would you cause?
"As much as I’m tempted to say Barbie and find out what it’s like to rock a pair of plastic tits and legs that just won’t quit I’m not the greatest fan of pink, and you like A LOT of pink so it would end up being a day wasted doing lines of coke off Ken and crank calling Sindy – which actually that doesn’t sound so bad. Hmm... I think I choose you Barbie!!!"
But I'm gonna need a shitload of coke to deal with this doll…
Mister Portis Wasp, when will you step foot upon the Big Apple so we can shoot you in NINH Collection clothing?
Who would be your ultimate interviewee?
"I might well change my mind tomorrow Alexis but today I’m going to say Aubrey Plaza. I just think she’s a revelation, not only in Parks and Recreation playing the hilariously deadpan April Ludgate but also in any magazine, tv interview or commercial in which I've seen her feature. She’s snarky but proper clever with it, and whilst she might not be to everyone’s taste her brand of comedy tickles me to the point of seizure! Here, have a taste of her on me...
Isn't she just THE BEST?!
What gives you butterflies in your stomach?
"Nothing gives me butterflies in the stomach like love and that feeling can be quite addictive (as we ALL know), but of late I’ve only had butterflies before important Table Tennis matches. I know that sounds lame but it’s always those games where you feel you should win, and know you have to win at the same time. I had that all season last year when I was the top player in our division (modesty what's that?) and my team were chasing promotion! The more games I won the greater the expectation on myself to not fuck up and drop a game. I like the feeling, I just have to always make sure I channel my nerves correctly, something I don’t always manage as well when a particular person I fancy is giving me the butterflies."
What is the most bizarre sexual thing you have ever done?
"I am awfully vanilla Jack so I would say the most bizarre sexual thing I have ever done was to eat whilst having sex, like eat stuff off of each other. Which was really quite horrible because I was so hungry at the time but I had left my hand sanitizer at home so I had sticky fingers and I like to have clean hands at all times but I couldn’t excuse myself to go do that so I just had to get over it and get on with it. I don’t think the two things go well from experience – nudity and food. A little bit of fruit? Sure. And perhaps a little sushi roll or three. But not a curry!"
If Portishead (who I LOVE by the way) and The Wasp Factory didn't exist, what would your name be?
"I flirted with the idea of Ames Noel for all of 5 minutes so it could have been that and wouldn’t that have been all kinds of rubbish. I would love to be a Noel, and sully the meaning of Christmas. But it wasn’t meant to be. Quite often I procrastinate for days over the most trivial of things and then when I finally commit the moment has passed. Which is rude? Like why wouldn’t your lips wait for me to respond? And then sometimes an idea comes to me and I fully commit on the spot and it’s a done deal. So Portis Wasp was pretty much a done deal the minute it entered my head. Or should I say Christmas was cancelled when Portis waltzed in."
Are you a romantic by nature, or jaded realist?
"I think I’m a romantic by nature. But I kind of rebel against romance quite a lot of the time. If I like someone I’ll only eat salad and soups, will only drink water and will find beauty in the most ugly of places – the gym. Love makes me all kinds of perfect and unable to concentrate on being horrible to people because I’m too busy concentrating on being adorable to that special someone spooning them ice cream and biting their neck and writing them really bad poetry. Love makes me act like a total loser but I like feeling like a loser in love - it comes natural."
Have you ever had sex with a girl?
"Of course I have silly! Even with two girls at once! But I’m not bragging, it kind of felt like an exercise in punishment. Which kind of makes for a funny story I guess. Let me set the scene: It was my 19th Birthday there was a full moon out and I had just finished my late-shift stacking shelves in a Woolworth’s store. Don’t judge, the job was only part-time whilst I studied drama at college…. Two girls (sluts in disguise) from my drama class insisted that I celebrate my Birthday with them over a few drinks in a pub. I accepted their offer; we had drinks, and probably stayed out later than we should have what with our interpretive dance class to get to the next morning. Little did I know that there was some proper drama brewing in the taxi on the way home. Flashback to when we entered the taxi and the girls joked to one of the barmen (who chased us outside to collect the three bottles of beer we were holding) that he should come home with us to have a threesome! I took offence to this invite of course, as I didn’t want a threesome happening in my house with me not in it. Or maybe they just didn’t see me and a foursome was on the cards – so daring for a 19th Birthday celebration, don’t you think? So anyways, he declined. I wonder why?
We took the taxi back to mine and I said the girls could sleep over, it made sense as it was so late and one of the girls lived in Montrose, the other with her fiancé who she knew to be in bed already fast asleep… and she wouldn’t want to wake him at this LATE hour. She said this with a wink but I can be really stupid sometimes so didn’t pick up on this blatant invitation to undress her. I went into the bathroom, brushed my teeth and when I walked back into my bedroom the two girls were COMPLETELY NAKED, IN MY BED, and were doing that thing that really isn’t very enjoyable when not watching reality tv…. They were speaking in baby voices, giggling and playing with each other’s hair like it was the best thing ever. Dear lord this was HAPPENING…
I won’t go into details as I don’t want to be sued by any of my readers for making them violently sick but I thought I’d bullet point the highs and lows of what followed:
One of the girls was a gymnast and dancer, very pretty.
The other girl wasn’t any of those things.
There was a lot of moaning from the girls I think they really enjoyed themselves...
During the session I was asked if I’d ever had sex before.
One of the girls told me she loved kissing me!
Why didn’t the gymnast love kissing me?!
I was having a threesome on my 19th Birthday!
Once the girls had finished I was instructed to go to the kitchen and make them a cup of tea and some buttered toast. Is this something people require after a threesome?
I hadn’t finished thank you very much!
And that was that. I guess I could have answered yes and left it at that Ariel but I wanted you to know that from an early age I have had a wonderful way with the ladies."
In giving the finger, from which hand is it given? FYI: I like the double application.
"Snog, Marry, Kill?" Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Jackie Stallone…
"This is really hard Louie. But I’ve given it enough thought, thrown-up three times dissecting Arnie, Sylvie and Jackie's ever-changing faces, and I think I am happy enough to commit to the following. I would snog Sylvester’s pillow lips as I actually think he’d be quite a gentle kisser – or should I say the least likely of the three to eat me. I would have to kill Arnold as he totally creeps me out. And I would marry Jackie. She’s utterly bonkers but come on; she’s an astrologer, former dancer, and promoter of women’s wrestling – every day of the week with her would be a fucking hoot!"
Sam Scott Schiavo
What is your greatest fear?
"Hi Samuel. My greatest fear is ‘heights’. I’m pretty sure it started when I was around ten years old. I can remember playing in the forest with my friends (we have these funny things called trees in Scotland) and some bigger boys came along and threatened us for some reason (it’s a bit of a blur now seeing as this happened like 18 years ago) but I do remember hanging on to the edge of what felt like a cliff face, was most likely an ant hill, desperately trying to pull myself up and being terribly scared that I might let go and drop quite a few feet. I wouldn’t say it was as frightening as that time I was cycling to a friends house on a country road and a car followed me for what felt like hours, gently trailing behind me but I guess this experience just stuck. I kind of find it hard to even stand on a step ladder now. I also just realised that I have survived not one but two near-death experiences! I might have to write a book now."
Tell me about your most embarrassing moment!
"Oh it was probably that fashion show I did when I was eleven. I don’t like to talk about it but yes I am a former model. The local shopping centre had just had a major refurbishment and there was this really big fashion show put on to celebrate this quite ordinary achievement (by really big I mean Reporting Scotland were filming the event for the 6 o’clock news and Cheryl Baker (from Bucks Fizz) was presenting). The Chippendales were also there modelling aprons for a kitchen shop. And you think I’m joking? I’m not. I was modelling for one of the top brands in the centre, BHS, and for one of my walks the organisers decided it would be a real talking point if I sat on top of one of the Chippendales shoulders? I would like you to know Munroe that I only agreed to this because I’d been promised a £10 voucher to spend in Woolworths upon completion of my third walk. This was it. It was only when the freakishly oily hunk-of-a-man beneath me strode out onto the catwalk, with little ole me hanging on for dear life not quite understanding what I had done to deserve this new life, that it became clear that the combined height of the two of us meant that only one of us would pass through the mdf stage entrance successfully. What makes this worse is that I could see my forehead slamming into the cheaply constructed set a good twenty seconds before it happened but when it did, throwing me back and nearly off the Chippendales shoulders had he not been holding onto my legs from the front, the sheer adrenaline kick that consumed me caused me to flail about like…. I can’t bear to recall it again… but I’m going to have to say… Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls……….. that scene in that swimming pool. But the Chippendale didn’t notice, he was playing to the crowd, and the crowd didn’t notice, they only saw the half-naked man wearing an apron so for the longest thirty seconds of my life I straddled that Chippendale for all he was worth, and for all I was worth at the time, £10. Made worse by the fact that no one cared and I was wearing a cheap jumper. Thinking about it... maybe my greatest fear is the thought of falling on hard times and having to do this again in my lifetime for the cost equivalent of a pret a manger sandwich."
Who would play you in a movie? What would that movie be called?
"Hello Boys! My first choice to play me in a movie would have to be Lyle Lovett. Not because of the obvious - the long face, curly hair that won’t quit and our brief but hella tumultuous marriages to Julia Roberts – but the less obvious and quite calculated move to upstage my counterpart at the premiere of our film. I’m not prepared to let some hotter version of me with better abs play it ugly to play me, that’s just stupid. So I’m sorry Lyle I’m picking you for that very reason. Oh and I love your voice so the soundtrack to the film would be sick. If Lyle reads this though and drops out due to “scheduling conflicts” I’d like Chloe Sevigny to play me. She’s such a fierce little boy!
Sadly both The Sting and Cruel Intentions are already taken (and fabulous movies at that) so my movie would have to be called Why The Long Face? The twist at the end is that..."
Thank you x