Sunday, 19 August 2012

Henry Cavill Who? Portis Wasp’s Gym Diary Entry #2

I'm gonna cut to the chase and say I'm really starting to enjoy being shouted at in the gym to work HARDER!!!, move FASTER!!!, and PUSH THAT ASS OUT!!! It's like I forgot how to act all slutty and I'm rediscovering my mischievous self for only £30 an hour! Money well spent indeed. But it's just as well really, what with the crazy stats I've posted above for my readers to giggle at. Oh and don't worry yourselves, I'm not asking you to choose one colour of macaron over an other for health reasons, I'm just asking myself to say no to all macaron's for the rest of the year!!!

So I guess you're now wondering why I'm hating on delicious baked goods?! Well, at my last one-to-one training session I was asked to step inside the principals office, and I did, albeit reluctantly. I was then asked to take off my clothes and dance for him! LOL. Not so much. I don't think I'll be asked to remove all items of clothing until the fall of 2014 when my new body takes me all the way to the back streets of Hollyweird where all great auditions begin with a swift disrobing and 'Showgirls'-lite shimmy. But that's what I was expecting in my head, THE WORST - I hadn't even practiced my routine! Thankfully I'm just a perv, and nothing untoward happened. My trainer didn't even lock the door. Instead I was asked to remove my socks and trainers (somewhat erotic) and stand on a special set of scales which send pulses through your body, measure your inadequacies, and then upload your interior stats to your trainers iPad. (insert eye roll) SERIOUSLY THOUGH, I'M SO GLAD WE DID IT! The results above are exactly why I will be spending another £150 next month to be treated like a four year old Chinese gymnast!

My Weight: 11 stone 7. Not bad, and certainly nothing to be overly concerned about. I kind of fluctuate and this can only go up as I plan to put on a nice bit of muscle over the next few months.

Body Fat: 23.1%. Awful. To put this into perspective at age twenty I had 13% body fat. My trainer would like me under 20% but I'm going to shoot for 15%. I think anything higher than that and you're not allowed to work in porn!!!

Hydration: 53.8. My trainer would have liked me to be at around 65, I knew that day I hadn't drowned myself in nearly enough water. So it's something I'm going to have to work into my religion. Drink loads of water wasps! It's crazy good for you.

Muscle: 8.5.6. Can't remember what that means. But I would like that number quadrupled please.

Visc Fat: 5.5%. This is the invisible fat around your arteries. If you were anything near a 13 you would be in serious trouble. My trainer said this figure was okay, but he would like me to drop down to 1%. Not asking for much, is he?

And lastly, my estimate age based on the above stats and a couple others gathered on the day: An embarrassing 41. Like, seriously! 41! My friends found this figure quite hilarious, which I guess it is, but in a really awful way. So it just goes to show, it doesn't matter what someone looks like on the outside, they could still be completely f&%ked on the inside. My goal is to bring the 41 down to my real age 29, and then down further after that. I think I'd like to be 15 again one day. I didn't have nearly enough swagger at the age of 15 so I plan to relive those days, only with a slammin body built for sin!


3 - One-to-one PT Sessions
1 - Kettle Bells Class
1 - Group PT Class
1 - Bums, Tums and Thighs class
1 - Stretch and Core Class

Henry Cavill I'm coming for you!! But for now, I salute your shirtless self sir...


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