Saturday, 21 September 2013

3 Grand Theft Auto V Characters and a Game of 'Shoot, Shag or Marry?'

Grand Theft Auto 5 Main Characters Michael, Trevor and Franklin

Let's not kid ourselves, wasps, criminals are incredibly sexy propositions.  If you've tried your luck and failed on several occasions with non-criminals regular joe cunt types and are sick of having to check the price of food items on menus before ordering, that is.

Firstly, if they are good at what they do, your criminal boyfriend is going to have lots of spare cash lying around the house that you can use to buy nice things.  Like facials, luxe gym memberships and tailored suits, cos you know there is always going to be some wannabee two doors down making eyes at your paycheck.  You're going to need to look your best at all times to keep him interested, which sounds stressy in theory, but even with daily trips to the best barber in town to get your quiff tidied you'll still have plenty of cash left over to pay someone less privileged than you to worry over the logistics of what you've gotten yourself into.  Plus you've not got time to overthink the situation anyway as you've now got to rush across town to meet up with your gangster moll pals for brunch in a fancy restaurant.   

Secondly, your criminal boyfriend will likely be hard as nails. He might well open up his heart to you during the early hours of the day when you're in bed and he's just shot his load and is all of a sudden overcome with grief at a bank job gone wrong and is annoyingly sobbing in your arms, but thankfully most bank jobs happen during the early hours of the day, so this will be an infrequent inconvenience.  At any other time having a tough boyfriend will come in very handy.  If someone slights you, tell your boyfriend.  Simple as.  He may not acknowledge what you've said but he's heard you fine well, and before you know it... your little problem will magically transform overnight into a few lines of text in the obituary section of the morning papers.

Thirdly, that scene in Spring Breakers with James Franco and that gun?  Yes to this three days a week for the rest of my life.

So with those key points in mind, I present to you three criminals that star in Grand Theft Auto V.  I'm not much of a gamer truth be told, but this game made all the money in the world on it's first day of release this past week, ergo, one of these three men is your reason to draft your resignation letter this afternoon. You just need to decide, based on their dodgy backgrounds, which one of these dirty boys you're gonna shoot, shag or marry?

Michael from Grand Theft Auto 5

Michael is a retired bank robber and moved to Los Santos where he and his family live in a nice mansion.  His wife, Amanda, has lost interest in him (as women tend to do!) so spends her days spending his money.  His kids also hate him.  He needs to go back to robbing because of Amanda, basically.  He also looks bi.  I imagine without his shirt off, Michael looks like a pumped-up version of DeNiro in his prime. (Marry)

Trevor from Grand Theft Auto 5

Trevor lives in a trailer park in the desert and is totes mentally unstable.  He is a former military pilot and retired bank robber but wants to get back into robbing large businesses.  I imagine with his shirt off, Trevor looks like a roidy piece of roadkill.  (Shoot)

Franklin from Grand Theft Auto 5

Franklin is a young dreamer who wants to become a big-time criminal in Los Santos.  He currently works as a repo man for a luxury Armenian car dealership, but he is super ambitious so he's growing tired of flogging cars to wealthy idiots.  I imagine with his shirt off, Franklin has a similar build to model Oraine Barrett. (Shag)

Who would you choose a life of crime with?


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